Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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