my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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