He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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