You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
