this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
