if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just took my morning after pill in the library
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
