we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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