I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
