What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
