My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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