I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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