I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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