what day is it and did you see me today?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
