Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
