I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
