six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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