I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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