Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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