Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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