you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Please don't give away my fajitas
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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