That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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