Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
