my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
