I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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