my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
