She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
