he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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