note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
