Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
