Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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