so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
