accomplished twins. life is a go
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
