I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i will never coherently bang her
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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