What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
