she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Randomize
