Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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