I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
