when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
