at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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