I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
