I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
