Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
