wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
