K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
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