This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
