this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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