Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
