is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
