1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
