Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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